RANKING THE US STATE CAPITALS, WORST TO BEST
With Capsule Reviews
50. Albany - Wake up, it’s time to die.
49. Harrisburg - Half price Asbestos Sundaes
48. Hartford - Insurance capital of the world!
47. Springfield - Training ground of American convicts
46. Trenton - Stop by on your way to the Vince Lombardi Rest Area
45. Carson City - Mad Max disguised as a state capital.
44. Charleston - Considers being the largest city in West Virginia a source of pride.
43. Sacramento - Why are we spending money on a levee to keep this above water?
42. Des Moines - Call me when you learn how to pronounce your own name.
41. Lansing - You make me feel like Lansing!…And now I want to go home.
40. Indianapolis - We like the cars that go boom. But not that much.
39. Dover - Wikipedia sums it up: “Dover was most famously the home of Ceasar Rodney.”
38. Tallahassee - Meet you at the third sinkhole on the right.
37. Concord - You guys shoulda seen this place 120 years ago!
36. Phoenix - No sci-fi writer could have invented this.
35. Topeka - Topeka means “To dig good potatoes.” And they do.
34. Cheyenne - Don’t believe the hype.
33. Baton Rouge - The blight of New Orleans with the charm of Cheyenne.
32. Augusta - What a city looks like when it closes its gene pool for two centuries.
31. Jefferson City - I know right?
30. Boston - Come for the grating accents, stay for the drunk college kids.
29. Pierre - Beware Pierre.
28. Oklahoma City - Where asphalt goes to die.
27. Montgomery - I have some notes…
26. Denver - Rocky Mountain Die.
25. Bismarck - The apocalypse will never find you here.
24. Montpelier - Better than Concord.
23. Richmond - Just kinda there.
22. Frankfort - Kentucky cuisine = America’s most overlooked.
21. Lincoln - Good sanctuary for acrophobics.
20. Columbus - Experimental fast foods tested here. McRibs all year round.
19. Boise - Don’t F-U-C-K with B-O-I-S-E.
18. Jackson. “Go on down to Jackson, Go on down to wreck your health”
17. Salem. Portland’s Portland.
16. St. Paul. Tote bag o-rama.
15. Helena. Big Goddamn sky.
14. Juneau. You dunno Juneau.
13. Olympia - Coffee, rain and wasn’t the setting of The Killing.
12. Madison - Nice lake. Annoying people.
11. Raleigh - BBQ adjacent
10. Salt Lake City - Who woulda thought? But it is.
9. Columbia - Knows how to look like a State Capital.
8. Annapolis - Anchors Aweigh!
7. Providence - Went to a lovely wedding there. Too bad you weren’t invited.
6. Little Rock - Eat your weight in porterhouse.
5. Atlanta - A real city with nature right in the middle of it.
4. Santa Fe - Ancient evenings.
3. Honolulu - Aloha Mr Hand.
2. Austin - How to be a cool fun city without being a complete a-hole about it.
1. Nashville - It had to be you.
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