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Rushfield Babylon

where it all went wrong
Writer, reporter, Idol chronicler, seer. Contact: rr at

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  • February 17, 2013 11:22 pm
    “Downton Abbey,” How Could You!? My thoughts on tonight’s finale. I will excerpt here tomorrow when we’re in a post-spoiler world. But in the meantime, those who have crossed over, may join me for them here.

    “Downton Abbey,” How Could You!?

    My thoughts on tonight’s finale. I will excerpt here tomorrow when we’re in a post-spoiler world. But in the meantime, those who have crossed over, may join me for them here.

  • January 7, 2013 12:39 pm
    THE 13 WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT DOWNTON ABBEY So much can go wrong if you show up at Downton during the season premiere. I list the 13 worst things at BuzzFeed including: 9. The oven’s not hot enough. So much can go wrong when you are planning a big dinner to try and talk a few mil out of your visiting American relations. Without American handouts, there is no Downton. Without an incredibly lavish dinner, there will be no handouts. Without souffles there can be no lavish dinner. And without heat, there is no souffle. And so, for want of a chimney sweep, the kingdom was lost. 11.  11. When the man you are in love with has a messed up arm, is old enough to be your father and looks even older and everyone makes a big deal about it. Once your two sisters have gotten hitched, when most of the boys you know got themselves killed in the Great War, when the farmer’s wife has chased you off the farm and even the chauffeurs have been snatched up, well, then it is time to stop philosophizing and grab whatever meat is left on the table. And if what’s left is a doddering Quentin Crisp lookalike with a funny arm, so be it. But it doesn’t help things when people make such a big deal about it when you’re trying to get yourself married before it becomes completely embarrassing. Read it all and prepare.

    THE 13 WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT DOWNTON ABBEY

    So much can go wrong if you show up at Downton during the season premiere. I list the 13 worst things at BuzzFeed including:

    9. The oven’s not hot enough.

    So much can go wrong when you are planning a big dinner to try and talk a few mil out of your visiting American relations. Without American handouts, there is no Downton. Without an incredibly lavish dinner, there will be no handouts. Without souffles there can be no lavish dinner. And without heat, there is no souffle. And so, for want of a chimney sweep, the kingdom was lost.

    11. 

    11. When the man you are in love with has a messed up arm, is old enough to be your father and looks even older and everyone makes a big deal about it.

    Once your two sisters have gotten hitched, when most of the boys you know got themselves killed in the Great War, when the farmer’s wife has chased you off the farm and even the chauffeurs have been snatched up, well, then it is time to stop philosophizing and grab whatever meat is left on the table. And if what’s left is a doddering Quentin Crisp lookalike with a funny arm, so be it. But it doesn’t help things when people make such a big deal about it when you’re trying to get yourself married before it becomes completely embarrassing.

    Read it all and prepare.

  • February 13, 2012 3:23 am
    Remember yourselves ladies!

    Remember yourselves ladies!

  • February 7, 2012 3:45 am
    Complete Census of the Characters on Downton Abbey, In Light of Episode Five, Her Majesty’s Season Two. (Ranked in order from most noble to most loathsome) 1.Carson.Pro: Man of SteelCon: Will soon be butlering for a glorified carnival barker 2.DaisyPro: The greatest artist of her age.Con: Must carry the burden for the rest of her days that they made her lie to William about liking him and then have to be married to him for six hours. 3. Violet, Dowager CountessPro:  The only woman on Earth for whom the word dignity still has any meaning apparently.Con: The dispatching of that horrible Crawley creature was too clever by half and surely she will live to regret letting her escape rather than putting an end to her.  You can’t just send a beast like that to go chase a ball down the hill and think you are done with her.  May well have been the critical mistake that brings down a thousand years of Grantham 4. Thomas:Pro: Having passed through the forge of letting himself get shot in the hand and having the one guy he liked die, there is now no force in the universe that can stop Thomas.Con: When he gets his hands on the wheels of power, he’ll likely kill off half of his own countrymen and destroy the entire planet in a needless war of conquest.  But the uniforms will be flawless.5. Lady EdithPro: Can so relate to amnesiac burn victims.  Especially when they can make her Countess and not Mary.Con: Needs to learn to stand up to farmer’s wives a little better. 6. O'BrienPro: Sees through these fools as though they were made of glass.Con: Keeps drifting into sentimental sympathies for all and sundry.  Heavy rests the head that wears the crown, O'Brien.  Keep the head up straight so it doesn’t topple off. 7.Vera BatesPro: A woman of panache and style.  The Joan Collins of Downton.Con: Dead. 8. Robert, Earl of GranthamPro: He may not be a soldier but he knows how to wear a uniform.  Sits and reads the newspaper like he was the Duke of Wellington himself.Con: No Earl of Grantham in my day would have let a bunch of indigent yobs set up a ping pong table in his study. 9. Sir RichardPro: Understands that blackmailing your fiance need be no obstacle to a happy union.Con:  Admire his moxie though we may, in the end, Carson poaching is unacceptable behavior in a gentleman. 10.Lady MaryPro: Has killed only one Indian consol in her bed.Con: Given the choice between the paperboy and full of himself old Matthew, I’d take the amnesiac burn victim any day. 11. Cora, Countess of GranthamPro: Shows very sound judgement in choosing O'Brien as her consigliere.Con: You would think she actually wants her daughter to marry a paperboy! 12. PatrickPro: Didn’t die on the TitanicCon: Didn’t fool me either with that I remember your mean governess line. Will have to do much better than that.  13. Bates and AnnaPro: Would be impressive if Bates had indeed had the passion to kill someone.Con: The pair bave become the Jim and Pam of Downton.  Just go off and open a bed and breakfast together already.  Just please stop talking about it. 14.Lady SibylPro: Knows her way around a turban.Con: You’d think the silly thing had never seen an Irish chauffeur before 15. Mrs. HughesPro: Does her duty, that is all one can say.Con: Her unfortunate habit of stashing fallen women in ramshackle shanties will lead her to ruin. 16.MoseleyPro: Deserve’s a knighthood for hanging around the cottage with the Crawleys all day.Con: A coward and traitor to his country. 17. William the FootmanPro: DeadCon: Saved Matthew’s life.  Guilted Daisy into marrying him with his war and his dying. 18. Branson the Chauffeur Pro: Had the guts at least to try and put something gross in the General’s soup.Con: Bolshevik rabble.  Picked the least interesting sister to ruin. 19. Matthew CrawleyPro: At least he’s got a semi-legitimate excuse for being an insufferable bore now.Con: His dullness is a dangerous weapon, lulling innocent women into a stupor they can easily confuse with love. 20. Lavinia SquirePro: Wins the Dickensian Name Sweepstakes DebryCon: I’ve seen more compelling drips from my kitchen faucet. 21. Isobel CrawleyPro: Her line will die with Matthew.Con: Not soon enough 22. Dr. ClarksonPro: His moustache survived the war intact and with no lost vigor.Con: Take your ping pong table and get out already.

    Complete Census of the Characters on Downton Abbey, In Light of Episode Five, Her Majesty’s Season Two.

    (Ranked in order from most noble to most loathsome)

    1.Carson.
    Pro: Man of Steel
    Con: Will soon be butlering for a glorified carnival barker

    2.Daisy
    Pro: The greatest artist of her age.
    Con: Must carry the burden for the rest of her days that they made her lie to William about liking him and then have to be married to him for six hours.

    3. Violet, Dowager Countess
    Pro:  The only woman on Earth for whom the word dignity still has any meaning apparently.
    Con: The dispatching of that horrible Crawley creature was too clever by half and surely she will live to regret letting her escape rather than putting an end to her.  You can’t just send a beast like that to go chase a ball down the hill and think you are done with her.  May well have been the critical mistake that brings down a thousand years of Grantham

    4. Thomas:
    Pro: Having passed through the forge of letting himself get shot in the hand and having the one guy he liked die, there is now no force in the universe that can stop Thomas.
    Con: When he gets his hands on the wheels of power, he’ll likely kill off half of his own countrymen and destroy the entire planet in a needless war of conquest.  But the uniforms will be flawless.

    5. Lady Edith
    Pro: Can so relate to amnesiac burn victims.  Especially when they can make her Countess and not Mary.
    Con: Needs to learn to stand up to farmer’s wives a little better.

    6. O'Brien
    Pro: Sees through these fools as though they were made of glass.
    Con: Keeps drifting into sentimental sympathies for all and sundry.  Heavy rests the head that wears the crown, O'Brien.  Keep the head up straight so it doesn’t topple off.

    7.Vera Bates
    Pro: A woman of panache and style.  The Joan Collins of Downton.
    Con: Dead.

    8. Robert, Earl of Grantham
    Pro: He may not be a soldier but he knows how to wear a uniform.  Sits and reads the newspaper like he was the Duke of Wellington himself.
    Con: No Earl of Grantham in my day would have let a bunch of indigent yobs set up a ping pong table in his study.

    9. Sir Richard
    Pro: Understands that blackmailing your fiance need be no obstacle to a happy union.
    Con:  Admire his moxie though we may, in the end, Carson poaching is unacceptable behavior in a gentleman.

    10.Lady Mary
    Pro: Has killed only one Indian consol in her bed.
    Con: Given the choice between the paperboy and full of himself old Matthew, I’d take the amnesiac burn victim any day.

    11. Cora, Countess of Grantham
    Pro: Shows very sound judgement in choosing O'Brien as her consigliere.
    Con: You would think she actually wants her daughter to marry a paperboy!

    12. Patrick
    Pro: Didn’t die on the Titanic
    Con: Didn’t fool me either with that I remember your mean governess line. Will have to do much better than that. 

    13. Bates and Anna
    Pro: Would be impressive if Bates had indeed had the passion to kill someone.
    Con: The pair bave become the Jim and Pam of Downton.  Just go off and open a bed and breakfast together already.  Just please stop talking about it.

    14.Lady Sibyl
    Pro: Knows her way around a turban.
    Con: You’d think the silly thing had never seen an Irish chauffeur before

    15. Mrs. Hughes
    Pro: Does her duty, that is all one can say.
    Con: Her unfortunate habit of stashing fallen women in ramshackle shanties will lead her to ruin.

    16.Moseley
    Pro: Deserve’s a knighthood for hanging around the cottage with the Crawleys all day.
    Con: A coward and traitor to his country.

    17. William the Footman
    Pro: Dead
    Con: Saved Matthew’s life.  Guilted Daisy into marrying him with his war and his dying.

    18. Branson the Chauffeur 
    Pro: Had the guts at least to try and put something gross in the General’s soup.
    Con: Bolshevik rabble.  Picked the least interesting sister to ruin.

    19. Matthew Crawley
    Pro: At least he’s got a semi-legitimate excuse for being an insufferable bore now.
    Con: His dullness is a dangerous weapon, lulling innocent women into a stupor they can easily confuse with love.

    20. Lavinia Squire
    Pro: Wins the Dickensian Name Sweepstakes Debry
    Con: I’ve seen more compelling drips from my kitchen faucet.

    21. Isobel Crawley
    Pro: Her line will die with Matthew.
    Con: Not soon enough

    22. Dr. Clarkson
    Pro: His moustache survived the war intact and with no lost vigor.
    Con: Take your ping pong table and get out already.

  • January 9, 2012 10:16 pm
     DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON TWO: THE OFFICIAL CHARACTER RANKINGS Below are the Rushfield Babylon’s official ranking of the characters in Downton Abbey as of the season opener.  These are the results of a scientific-based of who I like best.  As ever, these results are final and not subject to change. 1. Violet, Dowager Countess Pros: Steely determination. Dignity. Willing to let England be devoured by the Huns so that she can have some decent help around the place. Cons: Her prestige in my eyes has never recovered from letting the Garden Committee vote for Moleley’s father in the rose-off.  Violet is Dowager Countess.  She has a right to win the rose prize every year if she damn well wants to and letting others make her feel guilty about that only signals weakness.  From there to the fall of the Empire is but a few short steps. 2. O'Brien Pro: Machiavellian mastermind.  Playing World Series level baseball compared to the Triple AAA training camp game the rest are bumbling about in.  Inspired with the “Her Ladyship wants you to come in to the drawing room so she can tell you how much she likes you” gag. Cons: Showing alarm flickers of compassion. 3. Carson Pros: The last bulwark against the collapse of civilization.   Cons:  Seriously compromised by serving dinner himself.  War or no war, there is no excuse for letting the footman situation get so out of hand.   4. Daisy Pro: A genius.  Healthy fear of ghosts. Con: Can’t keep her yap shut about what she sees in the hallway in the middle of the night. 5. Vera BatesPros:  Perhaps the greatest mocking laugh in entertainment.  Flawless hats.  The stuff of greatness.  Very strong start. Cons: Still chasing around old stick in the mud Bates.  Take his money and toss him aside already. 6. Robert, Earl of GranthamPros: Represents centuries of England’s moral leadership with honor and dignity.  Looks great in uniform. Cons: Yelled at Bates.  7. Lady Edith Pros: Better than average driver, even in stick shift. Ruthlessness that speaks to her warrior ancestry. Clearly the sister who will live to drink the others’ blood.  Con: After one episode, her barnyard period has already lasted to long.  8. Mrs. Hughes Pros: Does her duty with few complaints. Cons: Not exactly the life of the party, is she? 9. Lady Mary Pros: Still the best looking of the sisters, barely.  Cons: Has managed to convince herself that she actually loves Matthew.   Still too traumatized by killing the Turk with her lusts.  You’re in a castle!  Things happen! That’s why you have a thousand servants… 10. Thomas Pros: Runs circles around the fools in the pantry.  Clearly will own the place before the season is done. Cons: So many tears about a little hole through the hand! Dry your eyes and get on with it man! 11. Lavinia Swire Pros: Best name. Cons: A fast living city girl like that must have a skeleton or two in her closet.  Convinced herself that she likes Matthew for himself. 12. Lady Sibyl Pro: Shows an admirable interest in desserts.  Had the good sense not to get carried away by Tom’s declaration.  Understands that chauffeur’s exist to coach you in proto-marxist jargon and to facilitate your secret lives and to save you from being crushed by angry mobs, not to marry. Cons: Is a disgrace to a thousand years of Crawleys with her poxy class antics. 13. Bates Pro: Threw himself on his sword to save the family. Cons: Is kinda a bore about it.  Also his ex-wife seems much more fun than that scullery maid.  What’s he complaining about? 14. Mrs. Patmore Pro: Has to deal with the outrageous war rationing.Con: More fun when she was blind.  15. William the footman Pro: Finally doing his duty, now that the war is almost over.  Pretty clever the way he missed the Battle of the Somme there.   But good call on Daisy. Cons: Unclear why his father likes him so much. 16. Branson, the Chauffeur Pro: Solid accent. Cons: If this county had any self-respect, he would have been lined up against the wall and shot halfway through last season the young radical. 17. Anna Pro: Takes the train by herself. Con: How can you insult a human dishrag? 18. Cora, Countess of Grantham Pros: Less stiff than she was in Once Upon a Time in America; is in favor of Sibyl making a cake. Cons: Pretty much useless. And really, are we just supposed to forget that a bloody American is our Countess? 19. Moseley Pro: His father grows nice flowers. Cons: Coward and traitor to his King. 20. Isobel Crawley Pros: Her butler is a coward and she doesn’t know it, so pity points. Cons:  What is this preposterous woman doing here? 21. Matthew Crawley: Pro: Did his duty at the Somme.  Con: Uptight full of himself humorless village lawyer. If the village baker were going to take over the castle at least we’d get some decent scones out of it.  The thought that this boob is going to win the title is the greatest injustice since Taylor Hicks won American Idol. 22. Doctor Clarkson Pro: Formidable moustache Con: Get out of my show.

     DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON TWO: THE OFFICIAL CHARACTER RANKINGS

    Below are the Rushfield Babylon’s official ranking of the characters in Downton Abbey as of the season opener.  These are the results of a scientific-based of who I like best.  As ever, these results are final and not subject to change.


    1. Violet, Dowager Countess
    Pros: Steely determination. Dignity. Willing to let England be devoured by the Huns so that she can have some decent help around the place.
    Cons: Her prestige in my eyes has never recovered from letting the Garden Committee vote for Moleley’s father in the rose-off.  Violet is Dowager Countess.  She has a right to win the rose prize every year if she damn well wants to and letting others make her feel guilty about that only signals weakness.  From there to the fall of the Empire is but a few short steps.
    2. O'Brien
    Pro: Machiavellian mastermind.  Playing World Series level baseball compared to the Triple AAA training camp game the rest are bumbling about in.  Inspired with the “Her Ladyship wants you to come in to the drawing room so she can tell you how much she likes you” gag.
    Cons: Showing alarm flickers of compassion.

    3. Carson
    Pros: The last bulwark against the collapse of civilization.  
    Cons:  Seriously compromised by serving dinner himself.  War or no war, there is no excuse for letting the footman situation get so out of hand.  

    4. Daisy
    Pro: A genius.  Healthy fear of ghosts.
    Con: Can’t keep her yap shut about what she sees in the hallway in the middle of the night.

    5. Vera Bates
    Pros:  Perhaps the greatest mocking laugh in entertainment.  Flawless hats.  The stuff of greatness.  Very strong start.
    Cons: Still chasing around old stick in the mud Bates.  Take his money and toss him aside already.

    6. Robert, Earl of Grantham
    Pros: Represents centuries of England’s moral leadership with honor and dignity.  Looks great in uniform.
    Cons: Yelled at Bates. 

    7. Lady Edith
    Pros: Better than average driver, even in stick shift. Ruthlessness that speaks to her warrior ancestry. Clearly the sister who will live to drink the others’ blood. 
    Con: After one episode, her barnyard period has already lasted to long. 

    8. Mrs. Hughes
    Pros: Does her duty with few complaints.
    Cons: Not exactly the life of the party, is she?

    9. Lady Mary
    Pros: Still the best looking of the sisters, barely. 
    Cons: Has managed to convince herself that she actually loves Matthew.   Still too traumatized by killing the Turk with her lusts.  You’re in a castle!  Things happen! That’s why you have a thousand servants…

    10. Thomas
    Pros: Runs circles around the fools in the pantry.  Clearly will own the place before the season is done.
    Cons: So many tears about a little hole through the hand! Dry your eyes and get on with it man!

    11. Lavinia Swire
    Pros: Best name.
    Cons: A fast living city girl like that must have a skeleton or two in her closet.  Convinced herself that she likes Matthew for himself.

    12. Lady Sibyl
    Pro: Shows an admirable interest in desserts.  Had the good sense not to get carried away by Tom’s declaration.  Understands that chauffeur’s exist to coach you in proto-marxist jargon and to facilitate your secret lives and to save you from being crushed by angry mobs, not to marry.
    Cons: Is a disgrace to a thousand years of Crawleys with her poxy class antics.

    13. Bates
    Pro: Threw himself on his sword to save the family.
    Cons: Is kinda a bore about it.  Also his ex-wife seems much more fun than that scullery maid.  What’s he complaining about?

    14. Mrs. Patmore
    Pro: Has to deal with the outrageous war rationing.
    Con: More fun when she was blind. 

    15. William the footman
    Pro: Finally doing his duty, now that the war is almost over.  Pretty clever the way he missed the Battle of the Somme there.   But good call on Daisy.
    Cons: Unclear why his father likes him so much.

    16. Branson, the Chauffeur
    Pro: Solid accent.
    Cons: If this county had any self-respect, he would have been lined up against the wall and shot halfway through last season the young radical.

    17. Anna
    Pro: Takes the train by herself.
    Con: How can you insult a human dishrag?

    18. Cora, Countess of Grantham
    Pros: Less stiff than she was in Once Upon a Time in America; is in favor of Sibyl making a cake.
    Cons: Pretty much useless. And really, are we just supposed to forget that a bloody American is our Countess?

    19. Moseley
    Pro: His father grows nice flowers.
    Cons: Coward and traitor to his King.

    20. Isobel Crawley
    Pros: Her butler is a coward and she doesn’t know it, so pity points.
    Cons:  What is this preposterous woman doing here?
    21. Matthew Crawley:
    Pro: Did his duty at the Somme. 
    Con: Uptight full of himself humorless village lawyer. If the village baker were going to take over the castle at least we’d get some decent scones out of it.  The thought that this boob is going to win the title is the greatest injustice since Taylor Hicks won American Idol.

    22. Doctor Clarkson
    Pro: Formidable moustache
    Con: Get out of my show.