“Downton Abbey,” How Could You!?

My thoughts on tonight’s finale. I will excerpt here tomorrow when we’re in a post-spoiler world. But in the meantime, those who have crossed over, may join me for them here.

THE 13 WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT DOWNTON ABBEY

So much can go wrong if you show up at Downton during the season premiere. I list the 13 worst things at BuzzFeed including:

9. The oven’s not hot enough.

So much can go wrong when you are planning a big dinner to try and talk a few mil out of your visiting American relations. Without American handouts, there is no Downton. Without an incredibly lavish dinner, there will be no handouts. Without souffles there can be no lavish dinner. And without heat, there is no souffle. And so, for want of a chimney sweep, the kingdom was lost.

11. 

11. When the man you are in love with has a messed up arm, is old enough to be your father and looks even older and everyone makes a big deal about it.

Once your two sisters have gotten hitched, when most of the boys you know got themselves killed in the Great War, when the farmer’s wife has chased you off the farm and even the chauffeurs have been snatched up, well, then it is time to stop philosophizing and grab whatever meat is left on the table. And if what’s left is a doddering Quentin Crisp lookalike with a funny arm, so be it. But it doesn’t help things when people make such a big deal about it when you’re trying to get yourself married before it becomes completely embarrassing.

Read it all and prepare.

Remember yourselves ladies!

Complete Census of the Characters on Downton Abbey, In Light of Episode Five, Her Majesty’s Season Two.

(Ranked in order from most noble to most loathsome)

1.Carson.
Pro: Man of Steel
Con: Will soon be butlering for a glorified carnival barker

2.Daisy
Pro: The greatest artist of her age.
Con: Must carry the burden for the rest of her days that they made her lie to William about liking him and then have to be married to him for six hours.

3. Violet, Dowager Countess
Pro:  The only woman on Earth for whom the word dignity still has any meaning apparently.
Con: The dispatching of that horrible Crawley creature was too clever by half and surely she will live to regret letting her escape rather than putting an end to her.  You can’t just send a beast like that to go chase a ball down the hill and think you are done with her.  May well have been the critical mistake that brings down a thousand years of Grantham

4. Thomas:
Pro: Having passed through the forge of letting himself get shot in the hand and having the one guy he liked die, there is now no force in the universe that can stop Thomas.
Con: When he gets his hands on the wheels of power, he’ll likely kill off half of his own countrymen and destroy the entire planet in a needless war of conquest.  But the uniforms will be flawless.

5. Lady Edith
Pro: Can so relate to amnesiac burn victims.  Especially when they can make her Countess and not Mary.
Con: Needs to learn to stand up to farmer’s wives a little better.

6. O'Brien
Pro: Sees through these fools as though they were made of glass.
Con: Keeps drifting into sentimental sympathies for all and sundry.  Heavy rests the head that wears the crown, O'Brien.  Keep the head up straight so it doesn’t topple off.

7.Vera Bates
Pro: A woman of panache and style.  The Joan Collins of Downton.
Con: Dead.

8. Robert, Earl of Grantham
Pro: He may not be a soldier but he knows how to wear a uniform.  Sits and reads the newspaper like he was the Duke of Wellington himself.
Con: No Earl of Grantham in my day would have let a bunch of indigent yobs set up a ping pong table in his study.

9. Sir Richard
Pro: Understands that blackmailing your fiance need be no obstacle to a happy union.
Con:  Admire his moxie though we may, in the end, Carson poaching is unacceptable behavior in a gentleman.

10.Lady Mary
Pro: Has killed only one Indian consol in her bed.
Con: Given the choice between the paperboy and full of himself old Matthew, I’d take the amnesiac burn victim any day.

11. Cora, Countess of Grantham
Pro: Shows very sound judgement in choosing O'Brien as her consigliere.
Con: You would think she actually wants her daughter to marry a paperboy!

12. Patrick
Pro: Didn’t die on the Titanic
Con: Didn’t fool me either with that I remember your mean governess line. Will have to do much better than that. 

13. Bates and Anna
Pro: Would be impressive if Bates had indeed had the passion to kill someone.
Con: The pair bave become the Jim and Pam of Downton.  Just go off and open a bed and breakfast together already.  Just please stop talking about it.

14.Lady Sibyl
Pro: Knows her way around a turban.
Con: You’d think the silly thing had never seen an Irish chauffeur before

15. Mrs. Hughes
Pro: Does her duty, that is all one can say.
Con: Her unfortunate habit of stashing fallen women in ramshackle shanties will lead her to ruin.

16.Moseley
Pro: Deserve’s a knighthood for hanging around the cottage with the Crawleys all day.
Con: A coward and traitor to his country.

17. William the Footman
Pro: Dead
Con: Saved Matthew’s life.  Guilted Daisy into marrying him with his war and his dying.

18. Branson the Chauffeur 
Pro: Had the guts at least to try and put something gross in the General’s soup.
Con: Bolshevik rabble.  Picked the least interesting sister to ruin.

19. Matthew Crawley
Pro: At least he’s got a semi-legitimate excuse for being an insufferable bore now.
Con: His dullness is a dangerous weapon, lulling innocent women into a stupor they can easily confuse with love.

20. Lavinia Squire
Pro: Wins the Dickensian Name Sweepstakes Debry
Con: I’ve seen more compelling drips from my kitchen faucet.

21. Isobel Crawley
Pro: Her line will die with Matthew.
Con: Not soon enough

22. Dr. Clarkson
Pro: His moustache survived the war intact and with no lost vigor.
Con: Take your ping pong table and get out already.

 DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON TWO: THE OFFICIAL CHARACTER RANKINGS

Below are the Rushfield Babylon’s official ranking of the characters in Downton Abbey as of the season opener.  These are the results of a scientific-based of who I like best.  As ever, these results are final and not subject to change.