DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON TWO: THE OFFICIAL CHARACTER RANKINGS
Below are the Rushfield Babylon’s official ranking of the characters in Downton Abbey as of the season opener. These are the results of a scientific-based of who I like best. As ever, these results are final and not subject to change.
1. Violet, Dowager Countess
Pros: Steely determination. Dignity. Willing to let England be devoured by the Huns so that she can have some decent help around the place.
Cons: Her prestige in my eyes has never recovered from letting the Garden Committee vote for Moleley’s father in the rose-off. Violet is Dowager Countess. She has a right to win the rose prize every year if she damn well wants to and letting others make her feel guilty about that only signals weakness. From there to the fall of the Empire is but a few short steps.
2. O'Brien
Pro: Machiavellian mastermind. Playing World Series level baseball compared to the Triple AAA training camp game the rest are bumbling about in. Inspired with the “Her Ladyship wants you to come in to the drawing room so she can tell you how much she likes you” gag.
Cons: Showing alarm flickers of compassion.
3. Carson
Pros: The last bulwark against the collapse of civilization.
Cons: Seriously compromised by serving dinner himself. War or no war, there is no excuse for letting the footman situation get so out of hand.
4. Daisy
Pro: A genius. Healthy fear of ghosts.
Con: Can’t keep her yap shut about what she sees in the hallway in the middle of the night.
5. Vera Bates
Pros: Perhaps the greatest mocking laugh in entertainment. Flawless hats. The stuff of greatness. Very strong start.
Cons: Still chasing around old stick in the mud Bates. Take his money and toss him aside already.
6. Robert, Earl of Grantham
Pros: Represents centuries of England’s moral leadership with honor and dignity. Looks great in uniform.
Cons: Yelled at Bates.
7. Lady Edith
Pros: Better than average driver, even in stick shift. Ruthlessness that speaks to her warrior ancestry. Clearly the sister who will live to drink the others’ blood.
Con: After one episode, her barnyard period has already lasted to long.
8. Mrs. Hughes
Pros: Does her duty with few complaints.
Cons: Not exactly the life of the party, is she?
9. Lady Mary
Pros: Still the best looking of the sisters, barely.
Cons: Has managed to convince herself that she actually loves Matthew. Still too traumatized by killing the Turk with her lusts. You’re in a castle! Things happen! That’s why you have a thousand servants…
10. Thomas
Pros: Runs circles around the fools in the pantry. Clearly will own the place before the season is done.
Cons: So many tears about a little hole through the hand! Dry your eyes and get on with it man!
11. Lavinia Swire
Pros: Best name.
Cons: A fast living city girl like that must have a skeleton or two in her closet. Convinced herself that she likes Matthew for himself.
12. Lady Sibyl
Pro: Shows an admirable interest in desserts. Had the good sense not to get carried away by Tom’s declaration. Understands that chauffeur’s exist to coach you in proto-marxist jargon and to facilitate your secret lives and to save you from being crushed by angry mobs, not to marry.
Cons: Is a disgrace to a thousand years of Crawleys with her poxy class antics.
13. Bates
Pro: Threw himself on his sword to save the family.
Cons: Is kinda a bore about it. Also his ex-wife seems much more fun than that scullery maid. What’s he complaining about?
14. Mrs. Patmore
Pro: Has to deal with the outrageous war rationing.
Con: More fun when she was blind.
Con: More fun when she was blind.
15. William the footman
Pro: Finally doing his duty, now that the war is almost over. Pretty clever the way he missed the Battle of the Somme there. But good call on Daisy.
Cons: Unclear why his father likes him so much.
16. Branson, the Chauffeur
Pro: Solid accent.
Cons: If this county had any self-respect, he would have been lined up against the wall and shot halfway through last season the young radical.
17. Anna
Pro: Takes the train by herself.
Con: How can you insult a human dishrag?
18. Cora, Countess of Grantham
Pros: Less stiff than she was in Once Upon a Time in America; is in favor of Sibyl making a cake.
Cons: Pretty much useless. And really, are we just supposed to forget that a bloody American is our Countess?
19. Moseley
Pro: His father grows nice flowers.
Cons: Coward and traitor to his King.
20. Isobel Crawley
Pros: Her butler is a coward and she doesn’t know it, so pity points.
Cons: What is this preposterous woman doing here?
21. Matthew Crawley:
Pro: Did his duty at the Somme.
Con: Uptight full of himself humorless village lawyer. If the village baker were going to take over the castle at least we’d get some decent scones out of it. The thought that this boob is going to win the title is the greatest injustice since Taylor Hicks won American Idol.
22. Doctor Clarkson
Pro: Formidable moustache
Con: Get out of my show.
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