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REASONS I WONT SEE THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN
1. As previously stated, no one reboots Kiki.
2. 3D
3. Why a reboot? What makes this rebooted and not just slightly made over? What need was there to start this whole damn thing from the beginning again? Are we afraid the kids won’t understand what Spiderman is?
4. I can’t see another hour of film devoted to a superhero origins story, ever again. Yes, they wake up and they find they can do amazing things and they are at first freaked out and then they have a big party with their powers until they get into trouble with them and the film actually starts. If you feel the need to “reboot” that is your problem, but tell the whole origin thing in your own time. Release it as a DVD bonus for fan boys who need to be completeists and see every inch of the journey for every rendition of every superhero. For the rest of us, we get it. They realized they had powers; it was fun at first and then a little scary. Now get on with it. Go shoot your web at a super-villain.
5. From the director of 500 Days of Summer. Never forgive. Never forget.
6. I’ve read the comics and I know what’s going to happen to Gwen Stacy. I own the issue where what happens to her happens and it’s still too painful to look at. I can’t go through that again.
7. Emma Stone needs to get back to doing comedy where she is fantastic and stop doing these warmed over dramatic and thankless love interest parts.
8. The whole Marvel film universe with its bombastic, 90 minutes of semi-comprehensible CGI battles combined with a dash of humanity gimmick has thoroughly exhausted me. They have brought on all these “artistic” directors used to working on a human scale -Mark Webb here, Joss Whedon, Favreau, Bryan Singer, Matthew Vaughn, Tim Story, Kenneth Branagh for crying out loud and none of them make any dent on their films except squeezing in a sporadic little fillip or off-kilter quip. Just let Brett Ratner direct them all and be done with it.
9. A hundred superhero films into this madness, can we really stop pretending these are interesting grown up films? Every 20th one of them is and when that happens, people will let us know. But beyond that, these are and should be movies for teenage boys. Which is fine. Teenage boys need movies. It keeps them off the streets where they’d just be stealing hubcaps and selling them for ludes. So great for them that they get all these movies, but there’s no reason that the rest of us have to get in line behind them. The fact that so many of our critics have been suckered into giving them serious consideration as serious films just shows what suckers they are and how much critics see it as their role today to be guided by the public rather than vice versa.
10. If I want to see a mindless action film (which I often do) I’d rather just go see a Jason Statham movie which is at least honest mindless action and not loaded down with hours of pretentious portentous recycled drek attempting to elevate a guy in a cape fighting with a guy in a lizard suit into some grand opera.
11. And I’d rather just see guys punching each other where you sense actual bones crushing and thus actual danger rather than cartoon characters throwing buses at each other and flying through skyscraper canyons without an ounce of threat hanging over any of it.
12. But I probably will see it in the end, because I’m a sheep too.
13. And next…Christopher Nolan meets Nick Cave.
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